Cleaning out your closet... and Being overlooked by the ones you Love...

You know every year for me GOD forces me to clean out my closet. The problem with that is sometimes I'm not prepared for the people that GOD chooses to eliminate. I'm the type of person who holds on to my friends for dear life, until I have exhausted every possible way to keep things together. This goes for male and female friends. This year I have been through a lot of friendship changes and a lot of wake up calls. You know sometimes we see what we want to see in relationships and friendships. We have to learn to step back and see it for what it really is. You may not always be happy about the results but trust its for the best.

I have always been cursed it seems to be surrounded by people who take advantage of me, or that overlook me or even tend to not appreciate the things I do or would do for them. I am VERY loyal to my friends and the the men I choose to date. Yes maybe I am attracting the wrong type of people in my life that could be one of the problems. Maybe I trust too much. I love to give things to my friends or guys I'm involved with. This is just something I love to do. Whether it be for B-days, Christmas, or just because I found something that made me think of them. I never expect anything back and it didn't use to bother me, but for some reason the older I get the more irritated I become. Yes its just a gift  but I think it really starts to say a lot about you. It's even worse when you know these people are doing things for people who may not deserve anything at all. If I'm the first to to be called when you are going through something, or the first you expect to come help you in your time of need why is it that I'm the last to hear "Thank You", or "You are a great Friend" or " I love you". Its just crazy and it is really starting to bother me. SO yes its bigger than a gift its more about people really giving a shit about you. If I stay up talking to you about your issues, helping you solve your problems the least you could do is listen to my damn day.

SO the other thing I have been cursed with is LAZY, dudes, who are way toooo chill and somehow I end up having to initiate EVERYTHING. I'M OVER THAT SHIT! Here is the problem, I consider myself to be pretty low maintenance when it comes to dating but I will give you my whole heart and will do anything for you and all I ask in return is Honesty, and Respect. All I need to keep me happy is some laughs and some outings. Nothing serious, I'm not that extra. Take me somewhere to eat and to a movie. Yes it sounds boring to some but I really love to do those things and I am cursed with men who wanna come over chill, watch movies and well you know where that goes from there. And the problem with me is I have a hard time telling guys what I want because I am scared of the response. But what I'm realizing is dudes will do what they want, when they want it, with whom they choose. I keep making excuses for these guys and all along the problem is I'm not their choice. I chose them, maybe its convenience, maybe I want more than they are willing to give, but I have got to stop making excuses for them. Oh he has a busy schedule, that's why we don't see each other often, Oh he has commitment issues, so I don't want to press him out for a relationship, Oh he isn't emotional so I'm gonna just keep my feelings to a minimum so I don't overwhelm him, or He doesn't want to have a long distance relationship so I will just enjoy what we have. Why is it I am trying to be sooooo accommodating to their issues or their excuses when clearly they don't give a rats ass about mine. And how do I know they don't care, because as soon as they move on to someone else its like, they are out and about, buying gifts, walking around giving these dumb ass broads titles. Its JUST BANANAS. So what you are telling me is I gotta act out to get what I deserve. I gotta be all up in their face, and act a damn fool, argue with you in public, Blast your ass on FB, Twitter and all these social networks before I can get what I deserve. Men don't like good women, they like women who think they are good but really act like wild animals. Or women who got crazy baggage somehow snatch up the guys who complain on a daily basis about how their girl blows them, or how they wish they could be with a girl more chill like ME...WELLL HELLLLOOOOOOO I'M OVER HERE ASS!!!!!

I just don't know what to do. There really is no happy medium either you gotta act an ass or your gotta be super quiet and just let a man do him. I'm not down for either of those things. So I just don't know what to do. Its like I think I'm on the right track sometimes and then things start to unravel and I don't know what happened.

NOOOOO I don't work like that. Guys love to avoid things until they can no longer dodge the bullet. Its like she hasn't said it directly so I'm just gonna act like its not there. I feel like I have a lot to offer someone and I am trying to stay positive but its starting to become the type of thing where I'm struggling to stay open to Love. I'm trying to get back in touch with the girl who used to write letters, and poetry and tell a guy how she felt without thinking of the response but all I really wanna do is DO ME, keep my emotions in check and check go back to my motto: "Niggas ain't shit" and then treat them like that...LOL...

Soooooo I know I said alot but right now, I'm just in my feelings and hurt by the neglect of the people who I trusted the most.

Share your thoughts!!!!!!!

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf

So I meant to write this a few weeks back sorry I'm just getting to this. So after seeing "For Colored Girls" directed by Tyler Perry I was so drained. For those who didn't know this is based off of a play/book from 1974. So they adapted it to a more current movie. I thought they did a great job, from the few excerpts I have read, they did a great job of modernizing the play.

IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ANY DETAILS OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT,  DO NOT READ ANYMORE. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE MOVIE TO SEE IF YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE IT CONTINUE TO READ.

Some people thought that maybe because of the title that they shouldn't go see it, I think everyone should experience this movie. It will open your eyes to some of the struggles and some of the issues that people go through. There was nothing in this movie that people of other nationalities couldn't relate to in some form. Yes it was a Black cast but there were issues in it that happen to ANYONE. The women in these stories all had different issues from dealing with, rape by someone you thought you knew, to young girls having to abort an unwanted pregnancy, a woman who learns that her husband is cheating on her with men and contracting AIDS, a woman who is promiscuous and doesn't even know why she does the things she chooses to do, a woman who continuously goes back to a man who is a liar, cheater, and just doesn't know what he wants, a woman who learns she cannot have children because of a STD that she contracted from a man she loved in previous years, and finally a woman who is in a abusive relationship with a former Vet and then witnesses her children being murdered by their father. I mean I haven't personally gone through any of these situations, but I do know women who have. There are bits and pieces of a lot of the stories that I could relate to. It was informative, emotional and disturbing.

This wasn't about male bashing but it did involve men who were doing things that maybe they should have thought about. One man was very supportive throughout the film so we did get to see a very positive relationship that dealt with the couple who found out they couldn't have children. I have read things that were written about this movie from friends, and random people that shock me. We are so closed minded and so afraid to deal with the real issues that somehow some people walked away with the idea that this isn't what people are going through, that they didn't portray "Real Colored Girls". This is BULLSHIT! Yes some of us are blessed enough to not have gone through things like this but unfortunately there are a lot more women who are going through these issues than we would like to believe.

Lets breakdown some of these stories.

The woman who was raped was a very common story. She met a man who she thought was really nice, charming and respectful and after getting to know him a little and walking with him to work she finally decides to go on a date with him. They have a GREAT first date and for the second date decides to cook for him at her place. He gets there and she is cooking and they are talking, and laughing and she has made if clear that she isn't trying to get physical. All of a sudden this dude starts to undress and tells her that he knows she wants to have sex and then starts to attack her and rape her. WHAT!!!!!! I mean she didn't see it coming at all, he changed so quick but unfortunately this has happened to women of every race. There are so many people being abused, molested, raped by people they know, sometimes family members. Do you know how many young girls I have found out were raped, and molested by people they new, and trusted. I mean this shit happens, PLEASE don't walk around with rose colored glasses and think that it doesn't.

The next woman we are gonna talk about is the uptight, bitchy CEO of a Magazine company with the nice house the FINE husband. She seems to have everything she wants, but she is cold and distant throughout the movie not to mention she has this cough throughout the film. SO eventually they show the husband checking out men, making out with a man in a car and just being distant from his wife. So they reveal that not only is he a gay man(who is in denial that he is gay, and just says that sometimes he likes dudes) RIGHT!!!!...lol....but she gets tested and reveals to him that she has HIV. This is now a very common issue in African American households. Our men are supposed to be strong and taking care of their women, and it isn't as acceptable to be an openly gay make in our community so these men are lying and cheating on their wives, and girlfriends because we don't make them feel like its OK to be themselves. SO from that comes the DOWN LOW man. Which is also why Black women are one of the highest percentages in people contacting AIDS. There is a whole epidemic going on right now because we wont accept our men the way we should sometimes. Maybe they would be more comfortable being themselves.

SO then there is the woman who is trying to have children with her husband. They seem to have a great relationship but they go to the doctors and she finds out there is permanent scaring on her uterus so she is unable to have kids. All of the scaring came from a previous boyfriend she had in college and he cheated on her with her two friends and she contacted an STD from it. This is some real shit. This happens often because not only are people cheating and lying they are not using protection. Fuck trust, PROTECT YOURSELVES. If u have issues with your man, or feel some type of way about him why in the world would you not use a condom. Yes people slip up, but damn if you always questioning your man about something USE PROTECTION, or get the hell out the relationship. So many people are having babies and contracting STDs by men they don't trust, YOU ARE BLINDED BY LOVE!!!! You  are making decisions based only on emotions that's it. TRUST YOURSELVES, PROTECT YOURSELVES.

Then there is the young girl, who just graduated from High School, and is talking about this wild night she had and has sex with him. She didn't use protection and ends up getting pregnant. She goes to her jacked up sister for help and she tells her that she had an abortion in this janky ass apartment years ago. So the young girl goes there alone and is in a room with this crazy lady and gets the abortion. Leaves and passes out in the alley and ends up in the hospital. Now if she would have had some family support maybe she would not have done that in that way. SO many people are having abortions and I'm on the fence about it. But to go to a scary , janky place to have one isn't the answer. Now if she would have used protection she may not be going through this. This is VERY VERY VERY common. And people don't always talk about it but there are so many women who go through this. SO many teens going through this so this was very realistic scenario. ONCE AGAIN! USE PROTECTION.

SO then there is the women who is the sister of the young girl and she is a hot mess. She has sex with just anyone. Gets what she wants and kicks them out. She is pretty much one of the most destructive chicks on this movie. Cause she thinks she likes her life but she is a crabby bitch to everyone. Including her sister. Hates her sister because of all these family issues. They have a CRAZY ass mother who is too concerned about her Religion that she isn't even paying attention to her daughters for real. So many women just give themselves to anyone and never think about the consequences to their actions. You cant' find self worth through your vagina.

Then there is an older woman who is constantly taking back this dog of a man every time they get back together, he moves in and then when he is ready to go he packs his shit and leaves to go to another woman. Gets sick of her then begs for the woman's forgiveness and then lets him move back in. Every time this happen a piece of her vanishes. She is so heartbroken because she puts her all into it and for what!!! To let him come in and use her and then leave her high and dry when he is done, or bored. Now how many times does that happen. A LOT!!!!! Women allow that to happen to them all the time. I am guilty of that as well. WE need to understand that isn't love its addiction. Being in love is like a drug and some how we have learned how to have HEALTHY LOVE. We overindulge in love sometimes that we lose ourselves and our self respect.

The last woman I believe had the most disturbing story. She was the assistant to the women at the Magazine company. She has two young children and their father is a Veteran. He is also mentally unstable and  an alcoholic. He beats her, and I'm not sure if he hits the kids. But he is always accusing the mother of cheating, or not loving him enough. This is clearly a situation that she should have gotten our of. So the biggest argument was something he mad up in his head. She came home to get something for her boss who is in the car downstairs waiting for her to come back. The husband starts acting crazy, he is drunk calls he a whore and said he thought his boss was a woman. SHE WAS but he saw the driver of the car who was a man and starts accusing her of cheating, in front of the kids this escalated to him holding the kids out of the window by one hand on each of them and drops them out the window. These two kids were murdered because this woman didn't know how to leave this crazy man. Yes that was extreme but it happens. She put her kids in danger because she loved him so much, and was scared of him, but somehow couldn't let go of him so her and her kids could have a healthy life. NO MAN is worth losing your kids, your spirit, your dignity, your strength all because you love him. Women stay in these abusive situations because they are scared, or don't feel like they are worthy of being loved. It was devastating to watch.

So after reading this do you see why I'm so mad that some women thought it wasn't relatable. Its a movie so it has to be more dramatic, but really this is the reality of a lot of women, Not just Black women either. it would be interesting to see what men would think about these stories, they may see themselves in it, it could be a wake up call. It could open men's eyes to some of the things women are going through. It may make women realize that we should be understanding of other women because they may be going through something that we cant understand or that we can relate to. So pay attention. Understand your self worth !!!!!

Setting us up for Failure

You know I was sitting here thinking about what lies ahead for me. And I started getting frustrated because I finally finished college got my B.F.A. in Graphic Design (a major I really wanted to do) and I started thinking about my next step and how I am being held back because of the job market and my credit. I was always raised to get a higher education. So I did. But all I can think about is the ridiculous amount of loans I have to pay back. The credit cards I got just to buy books, and art supplies my freshman year at SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design). Like I didn't even get to enjoy have a credit card because it was used for the things I had to have. So now I look back and start adding up all the loans from both schools I attended and thinking to myself. "Was it worth it"? Is it worth being on their automated dialing system that has me caught in the matrix of debt.

Because of our past idiot President Bush our economy is still coming back from the damage. Its hard to find a job out here. My field (Graphic Design) is trying to combine us with Web Designers. WE ARE NOT THE SAME. But they know if they hire someone with both skills they will save money and not have to worry about hiring two separate people. Then there is the fact that the web is sooooo impersonal. My mom and dad raised me to be able to really be personable on interviews, and to make sure I followed up on applications. I basically could get any job I wanted because I know how to sell myself and to really show off my skills. The younger generation is so involved with technology, basically raised by it that its ruining everything for us. I can't even call most places to check on the status of an application. Sometimes I cant even see what company I am applying for. They have put us in a position that all they do is look through the resumes and weed you out and not even give you a chance to interview. I would feel better if I was told I didn't get it, or you weren't qualified enough because not hearing any response, not knowing if they even received my resume was pure torture.

Technology is starting to ruin a lot of things. We are more impersonal all around. When dating we get to know people more so through text, or IM, video chat. I mean we barely have to go out anymore. People don't even know how to talk to each other or write to each other without using some form of Internet language. I don't need to call my friends and ask them what they are doing, I can just go look at their Twitter or their Facebook. Its amazing. Now don't get me wrong. I like it sometimes because I express myself better through writing anyway, but I'm starting to miss the personal contact (as far as talking on the phone). Are we so advance that we don't need that personal contact anymore. Are we satisfied not seeing my significant others or friends on FB, Twitter, SKYPE. Its so sad, by the time I have children there friends wont even know how to interact with each other. Soon we wont have to leave our houses for anything. SO I got a little sidetracked, back to the whole college and loan issue.

SO what pisses me off is the fact that they expect to get paid back, but are they understanding that in order to pay them we have to be working. And since jobs are scarce so are the funds. This country set it up that you have to go to college for the most part but then we do what you ask and still can't progress because there are no jobs available. Then you have all these people walking around in really bad debt, so they can't move out their parents homes, or they can't get government jobs because their credit is some shit. Its just a loose loose for a lot of people. I'm not sure what type of advice I have for upcoming college students. Should we keep allowing people to go into debt and not have a way for them to get out of is, or not pay them back? I just don't know anymore.

Any thoughts??

Supporting the ones you Love!

Today one of my best friends had to go to court for a DUI. He has been sooooo nervous and I really wanted to find a way to give him support this morning and to really help him let go of that anxiety. So I set my alarm for 8am and those of you who know me, know I DO NOT get up early at all..lol. Anyway so when I woke up and I had to really think about what was I going to say to him that meant something, that wasn't just a good luck. How could I let him know I was there for him and that he would be ok. So I prayed on it and GOD basically said " DUHH Koya PRAY WITH HIM". I know super simple right. Not really. I wouldn't consider him to be super religious but I know he believes in GOD. So I just told him I was here for him, and he would be fine and that I really wanted to pray with him. This was all in a text because I know he was nervous and when that happens he doesn't need to talk he needs to be able to just be. So I just said "Bow your head" and I went  from there. It's amazing that you can go from a babbling idiot to someone who just has these words flowing from them only that can come from GOD. I sent it and didn't get a response until 30 min later and it just said "Thanks Koya". I don't know if it helped him or not but I did my part and felt good about it. Sometimes he doesn't have the type of support he needs from some of the people around him. They would try to soothe him in other ways that I believe would be inappropriate for this moment. 


SO many Black men are in the system these days and no one is really preparing them for the actual court dates. Yea if you have resources and money you can get a lawyer or you can risk it and get a shit public defender who doesn't give two shits about the people who need them. Regardless of what people do I feel as though everyone should be able to have the support of someone who knows the ropes, someone who is actually looking out for their best interest. Some people don't know the severity of the consequences of their actions. For a DUI that you get in the DC area could go a lot of ways. They told him even though he had been going to the classes that they have you attend and pay for you may also have to do jail time. Now this is where the system seem super shady. Why after he has been going to classes would jail time be given. What's the point of dishing out a punishment months ago and having them actually do the things they are supposed to and still possibly giving jail time. WHAT! And what exactly is jail time going to do for them. Ok it might scare some into not doing it again but it seems to me to make them go to classes about drunk driving is appropriate. He had to go to so many classes and still has to continue and pay for it, he will end up spending about 800$ for these classes. And they also have to attend AA meetings. So why the possibility for jail time. Why didn't they just lock him up in the beginning, why not do it when they first see you in court instead of seeing them the second time and telling them " Oh by the way even though you are doing the things we ask you may still have to go to jail". I mean the system is soooo crazy. It's like giving jail time to people isn't always the right thing to do. If you lock up people who are on drugs all that does is keep them sober by default. Our government isn't doing anything to make sure that when they get back on the street that they won't fall back into the habit. How about we actually send them  to rehab, give them real help so they become better citizens, better people. Nope let's just lock their asses up. Sounds like a GREAT plan. Yes sometimes they do programs with them for their habit but not all the time. 


So my question and concern is...Do we as nation want to help people, guide them in the right direction or do we just want to get rid of them, stuff them away in a cell so they are OUT OF MIND OUT OF SIGHT?


Update: He went to court. And got there and the judge tells him he can go because the cop didn't even show up. So I believe the charges were dropped... Isn't that amazing. He had been stressing out for months and finally gets there this morning, takes some of those classes (mind you he had to pay for them) and then the damn case ends up being dropped. GOD worked super fast this morning.

Welcome to my Elevated Universe

I was sitting at home thinking about the things I'm going through and I was thinking about needing a place to vent and I decided I wanted to start a blog. I realize that there are a lot people out here that are going through the same things that I am. So many times we keep thoughts and ideas to ourselves but where does that get us? NOWHERE!!!! So I decided I want to share some of the things I think about on a daily basis. So hopefully you learn something about me and I hope to learn something about you.

So let me introduce myself. I'm Koya Glaudé. I'm a 29 year old artist, who just recently graduated from the Art Institute of Washington with a B.F.A. in Graphic Design. I like to consider myself a Renaissance Woman. I call myself that because I like to do a lot of different things. I am currently working on two different projects that will be in the Arts. The first one is a Graphic Design studio, and the second is a Styling and Imaging consulting group. I have never seen myself working for someone else. That's just not me. I consider myself to be a leader in all aspects of my life. I don't see myself stuck in a 9 to 5 doing something I don't care about. Waking up every morning hating the job I have to go to. I'm not knocking anyone who has a job like that, do what you do. I just can't live like that. I like to see the working world like this; there are two types of people Queen Bees and Working Bees, they are both needed to make companies work well. I just have NEVER seen myself as a worker bee. I'm not comfortable in that position, but some people are and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Some people aren't built to run a company it's a skill, a talent and some would rather do what they like to do and just be given the work to do. I have so many friends and family members who are doing jobs they hate to make it out here, to be able to live independently, and I understand that completely but that just isn't what I was born to do. I was always taught to do something I love but be able to provide for myself. So I decided I needed to be my own boss. 

There are so many things I am interested in doing and I feel the only way I can do that is with me running my own life, running my own company. The things I want have changed over time. I don't want to settle EVER. Too many times I have caught myself settling in other aspects of life and I am constantly working on ways to hold myself to a higher standard. There will be times in this Blog that I will be sharing some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. I may make you mad, I may make you emotional, I will make you laugh but it's really about me venting, being open and sharing what I go through. I hope you feel open to comment, ask questions, vent about things you are feeling. Let's be respectful on this journey but let's be real. 

Can't wait to go on this journey with you and with myself. Welcome to my Elevated Universe.