You know every year for me GOD forces me to clean out my closet. The problem with that is sometimes I'm not prepared for the people that GOD chooses to eliminate. I'm the type of person who holds on to my friends for dear life, until I have exhausted every possible way to keep things together. This goes for male and female friends. This year I have been through a lot of friendship changes and a lot of wake up calls. You know sometimes we see what we want to see in relationships and friendships. We have to learn to step back and see it for what it really is. You may not always be happy about the results but trust its for the best.
I have always been cursed it seems to be surrounded by people who take advantage of me, or that overlook me or even tend to not appreciate the things I do or would do for them. I am VERY loyal to my friends and the the men I choose to date. Yes maybe I am attracting the wrong type of people in my life that could be one of the problems. Maybe I trust too much. I love to give things to my friends or guys I'm involved with. This is just something I love to do. Whether it be for B-days, Christmas, or just because I found something that made me think of them. I never expect anything back and it didn't use to bother me, but for some reason the older I get the more irritated I become. Yes its just a gift but I think it really starts to say a lot about you. It's even worse when you know these people are doing things for people who may not deserve anything at all. If I'm the first to to be called when you are going through something, or the first you expect to come help you in your time of need why is it that I'm the last to hear "Thank You", or "You are a great Friend" or " I love you". Its just crazy and it is really starting to bother me. SO yes its bigger than a gift its more about people really giving a shit about you. If I stay up talking to you about your issues, helping you solve your problems the least you could do is listen to my damn day.
SO the other thing I have been cursed with is LAZY, dudes, who are way toooo chill and somehow I end up having to initiate EVERYTHING. I'M OVER THAT SHIT! Here is the problem, I consider myself to be pretty low maintenance when it comes to dating but I will give you my whole heart and will do anything for you and all I ask in return is Honesty, and Respect. All I need to keep me happy is some laughs and some outings. Nothing serious, I'm not that extra. Take me somewhere to eat and to a movie. Yes it sounds boring to some but I really love to do those things and I am cursed with men who wanna come over chill, watch movies and well you know where that goes from there. And the problem with me is I have a hard time telling guys what I want because I am scared of the response. But what I'm realizing is dudes will do what they want, when they want it, with whom they choose. I keep making excuses for these guys and all along the problem is I'm not their choice. I chose them, maybe its convenience, maybe I want more than they are willing to give, but I have got to stop making excuses for them. Oh he has a busy schedule, that's why we don't see each other often, Oh he has commitment issues, so I don't want to press him out for a relationship, Oh he isn't emotional so I'm gonna just keep my feelings to a minimum so I don't overwhelm him, or He doesn't want to have a long distance relationship so I will just enjoy what we have. Why is it I am trying to be sooooo accommodating to their issues or their excuses when clearly they don't give a rats ass about mine. And how do I know they don't care, because as soon as they move on to someone else its like, they are out and about, buying gifts, walking around giving these dumb ass broads titles. Its JUST BANANAS. So what you are telling me is I gotta act out to get what I deserve. I gotta be all up in their face, and act a damn fool, argue with you in public, Blast your ass on FB, Twitter and all these social networks before I can get what I deserve. Men don't like good women, they like women who think they are good but really act like wild animals. Or women who got crazy baggage somehow snatch up the guys who complain on a daily basis about how their girl blows them, or how they wish they could be with a girl more chill like ME...WELLL HELLLLOOOOOOO I'M OVER HERE ASS!!!!!
I just don't know what to do. There really is no happy medium either you gotta act an ass or your gotta be super quiet and just let a man do him. I'm not down for either of those things. So I just don't know what to do. Its like I think I'm on the right track sometimes and then things start to unravel and I don't know what happened.
NOOOOO I don't work like that. Guys love to avoid things until they can no longer dodge the bullet. Its like she hasn't said it directly so I'm just gonna act like its not there. I feel like I have a lot to offer someone and I am trying to stay positive but its starting to become the type of thing where I'm struggling to stay open to Love. I'm trying to get back in touch with the girl who used to write letters, and poetry and tell a guy how she felt without thinking of the response but all I really wanna do is DO ME, keep my emotions in check and check go back to my motto: "Niggas ain't shit" and then treat them like that...LOL...
Soooooo I know I said alot but right now, I'm just in my feelings and hurt by the neglect of the people who I trusted the most.
Share your thoughts!!!!!!!
I'm so understanding this post, Koya. I recently went thru a short faze with my dude where I felt neglected and like there was always an elephant in the room so to speak. But I knew HE wouldn't address and for the sake of "avoiding confrontation" I wouldn't. Yeah, I got tired to being tired and started acting like him. "I'ma do me and when I'M ready and I have time, I'll see about him." But that's unhealthy. And eventually, we came to a place where we had to evaluate where we were and what we wanted. We are still together today and we communicate better, but now I find myself afraid of slipping back into that dark place. Hopefully, it never happens again. But should it, now I know that I'll just be out than to keep dealing with being ignored. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI heart this entry. You're so on point. I deal with the same issues with men. I decided to take matters into my own hands. Now, if I want something more, I say that. If they disagree, I move on. Not easy, but definitely easier than harboring emotions and thinking the wrongs things about people and their intentions. AWESOME POST!
ReplyDeleteWow, it's amazing how similar our situations are! I've been through the same crap with dudes. The last two guys I was involved with ended up immediately getting into serious relationships after I stopped messing with them. One of them is even engaged with a baby on the way, and it's only been about a year since I cut him off. He couldn't give me a real relationship, yet he was able to get into one with the other girl.
ReplyDeleteI also lost 2 or 3 friends this past year too. They were selfish, spoiled users, and I was always doing stuff for them. I guess the biggest lesson I've learned is to honor myself first, whether it's a friendship with a male or a female. If it's not suiting me, I have to immediately stop it.
There's a blog I stumbled upon last year that talks about dealing with EUMs (emotionally unavailable men) and some of the other stuff we've been going through. Check out www.baggagereclaim.co.uk when you get a chance.