So I am writing this entry because yesterday I went on a tangent. Some people may be upset but anyone who knows me knows I really hate how people blast their relationships on FB. Its just crazy. But I also realize some people use it for venting while others just want their presence known. I guess do you, but that doesn't change how I feel about the whole issue.
But any who, that's neither here or there right now I decided I will open up a little about myself be a little vulnerable. Since I was so harsh yesterday and maybe making some people feel like I was putting them on blast(wasn't really my intention, I was just saying how I FELT)....I really wanna talk about how I am realizing how sarcastic I have become when I am dating guys, or I have feelings for guys.
You know years ago, in High School I considered myself to be quite sensitive, and poetic and very emotional. You know I was the girl that would suffer silently, like walking around with heartache and laughing it off, never letting anyone know how upset I was. I was in love with the same guy all the way through High School and didn't reveal anything until after 10th Grade. I used to write poems, and letters, and draw pictures (yeah I know its pathetic). But that was how I used to express myself. I have always been one of those people that found it easier to bare my soul to someone through my writing. Now back then I'm sure that was too much for a teenage boy to deal with. Like it kinda makes me laugh that I thought he would be able to handle it, I mean y'all don't understand I used to really just open my heart and write until I couldn't anymore. But the other thing is, I never reacted for long, once I got a response (which was never clear) I kinda just went back to normal, laughing and joking like always with him, but never understood why I still had those feelings. I believe that the reason the feelings never went away are because I just didn't deal, if he told me he didn't want to ruin the friendship or something along those lines then I just was like "OK" and because I didn't want him to be uncomfortable I just went back to being the "friend" to him. Listening to all his stories about his girlfriends, giving him advice, trying to be there for him all the while I wasn't dealing with me, I never called him out to say I feel like you always leave me in limbo. So I started to make more jokes, and become more sarcastic and realized that was the easiest way to deal with heartache. I mean it was a great distraction.
After high school ended, eventually my feelings for him faded. But the same way I dealt with him, I started to do that with everyone I was interested in. It was just easier that way. So the next person I started talking to was a friend first. I enjoyed my time with him, I enjoyed our conversations. It was different cause I was in college but I still felt a little behind because I didn't really date at all in high school so I felt like I was still trapped in that mindset. I didn't really know how to be vulnerable and all girly and shit that wasn't my steelo. SO I tried the cute shit every once in a while but that didn't last long because the sarcasm would just sneak up and take over. Now I realize that could confuse a guy because one minute I'm mushy and feeling you and the next I'm going on you and joking around. That all came to a halt when my feelings for him were revealed by one of my friends. I was not planning on telling him how I felt, I was still learning to deal with my feelings, I was still trying to figure out what kind of girl I was. I had made a vow to not jump out there with my feelings for a guy after all the emotional things I went through with my high school crush. SO I was like , Imma be hardcore, and just wait until he says something. I will not be the first to speak on it. And I did think eventually he would let me know he had feelings for me, but I never got to see that happen because other people thought it was time to just jump out there for me. I had NEVER felt sooooo embarrassed and pissed in my life at that point. You know its almost like someone stealing your diary and reading the pages out loud. That's how I felt, and I didn't even get to reveal it to him by myself. He is definitely the type of person who makes you feel safe so I knew that if I wanted him to know how I was feeling that he wouldn't make me feel bad about it. SO the outcome was OK, he felt how I felt but then it was like where do we go from here and basically it was no where, so once again I had to harden up, and start using that sarcasm. I felt safe with him and let down all at the same time. Things were strange after that but eventually we became close friends, still had feelings for each other, dated of sorts off and on for a few years. But eventually my feelings grew for him, and I decided I wanted to take a leap and really tell him I loved him. That was hard because I had to turn off that sarcastic Koya. And everyone who knows me knows I do Sarcastic Koya very very well...lol, I was sooooo scared to tell him my feelings, so I wrote poems, and letters not quite the same as I did in high school, it was a lot less. But I really hadn't felt this way before and had to just man up about it. SO there I went again, baring my soul to someone who I really had become close to and again I was left in limbo. Found out years later that he did feel the same way then but he just wasn't ready, But Unfortunately for me that was too late. I had already hardened up again. I was so scared to talk to guys because I just couldn't deal with the rejection.
I mean I talked to a few guys, even had strong feelings for them, but they damn near had to drag it out of me, I just hadn't learned the art of speaking on my feelings throughout the relationship, I would just let it build up and then finally say something. I was being told by this one guy who I am very good friends with now that I was acting so scared, but I was clearly fighting off feelings for him, and he would try to be sweet, and try to fly me to come see him, I just couldn't take that leap. My heart was still with someone else, but I wasn't gonna do anything about it and then I had all these new feelings for this guy who was actually pursuing me and we weren't even in the same state. I was just too damn scared of being hurt. But all the while the only thing protecting me was my smart ass mouth, my wit and SARCASM... I mean I was getting good at it, almost too good, I mean eventually after I left school and came home I started opening up more to him but I wasn't ready I hadn't closed the other chapter that I was still reading. So I just stopped talking about my feelings all together. Every time someone I was dating hurt me emotionally, I didn't cry I just became mean, or just brushed it off. It was working for me at the time. Then I would get mad because they would be like, I didn't know you felt that way, I didn't know you were mad. BLAH BLAH BLAH. That's when I realized it wasn't just me and my sarcasm it was also the fact that men don't take accountability their actions. If you don;t bring it to their attention then they probably won't address it. So I continued for years to do that, Sarcasm was like my shadow it was taking over everything I did, said, felt, it was like my sidekick but eventually turned to be more, like Koya and Sarcasm became one unit. I completely stopped spilling my guts, and emotions. I just didn't speak on my real feelings anymore.
That began a downward spiral because then my relationships became more casual than I wanted them to be. I began just kicking it with the person I had feelings for, but they never really knew how I felt. I mean I consider myself to be low maintenance and I kept coming across men that wanted to damn much from me, emotionally. Like they wanted me to to call all the time, and tell them how I felt about them and boost their damn egos.... I'm just not gonna do that. I used to and that got me NO WHERE. SO I stopped. but in the end when I felt like I needed to tell them where I stood they would be like "well u never show this, and u never do that" Now on a side note these niggas weren't worth it anyway. They needed a female that was gonna make them feel some type of way and me and Sarcasm weren't that type of chick. LOL....
So in the most recent years, I will say the last 3 years I decided to be more open, because I had been hurt by guys, and always overlooked, and just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. So the past 3 years I started talking to an old friend someone I once had strong feelings for a few years ago and it was just too much going on so we stopped talking. But when he reappeared I decided I was gonna try to be different, more attentive have more open communication and all that. It worked for a while but he just wasn't the right one, but it was good for me because I learned to speak up more often, and still make him feel good, and I learned to except compliments and all that. But there was just way to much drama with him so he had to go. SO I have been doing some soul searching searching since then. I stopped dating him last summer and as soon as I did I started to realize I had all these unresolved feelings, that I wasn't dealing with involving a special guy. One I had completely decided that he would have the total Sarcastic Koya because I just wasn't ready to reveal anything else. But I decided that maybe it was time to let my guard down. I am getting older. I will be 30 in February and I still have these strong, unresolved feelings for a guy who is very special to me, and probably always will be. But I knew that was gonna be the hardest thing for me to do. To reveal that I have these feelings after I have been talking to him about the guys I been dating and him doing the same, how in the world was I supposed to switch up.
Side note: I am sitting here watching "Living Single" and I realized that I am Max. She is being told by Kyle on this episode that he wishes she would show that she enjoys his company more, and that he wishes she would express herself without the sarcasm, and not send him on dates with other women.
That's me, I have had feelings for someone, and sat and listen to them talk about girls, and I talk about guys while all the while all I really wanted was him, and I don't want to know about the girls you are dating because they aren't me. UGH! like why does life have to be so complicated. Why cant it be like in elementary school where you pass the "Do you like me" "Yes, No, Maybe" note. (Even though "Maybe" will keep you in Limbo) But sometimes you have that person in your life that you just have to jump out there and do it....But oh that Sarcasm likes to hold me back and I have to push myself even more. I am tying very hard to tap into the girl I was in high school minus the sarcasm. Because she was pure, her emotions were real, and raw, and untainted and she was fearless. SO if you are like me and you really feel like you are just hiding behind your humor and your fear then maybe its time for you to write a letter, write a poem, sing a song, write a blog...lol.... I realized what I had to do was read the pages of my journal out loud to the person it was meant for.
I think Sarcastic Koya may be laid to rest...well at least when it comes to dating..lol...
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