If Its His Loss...Why Am I The One Wearing Black??

"Its His Loss"....You know this is a very common response from your friends, family after a break up, or when you dating someone and it doesn't work out, Or you feeling someone and it doesn't go the way you wanted, Or when they chose someone else over you. But what I have always felt about that response was, it doesn't make me feel any better...LOL. Its like when someone close to you dies and they say "they are in a better place"...But at that time you don't feel like that at all. So I want someone to really break that down to me in a different way. I want someone to respond differently and say something like "You are the shit, and he is a complete dick head for not seeing that"...LOL.

The reason I am addressing this is because I currently have been through a few situations and those were the responses I got from my very very close friends. I know it was out of love, I know they meant every word. But I wanted to say that shit doesn't make me feel better. I feel like I'm the one who is going through a loss, I feel like I'm in mourning, I feel like I lost a limb, I feel like I just got buried, I feel like I just loss the person who I thought I may have a future with. Yes I absolutely understand why people say that "Its their loss" cause they are missing out on the great person you are. Maybe we aren't the perfect fit, and maybe there is a whole list of reasons we shouldn't be together, but at that moment all you feel is the LOSS. All you feel is the VOID.

It's his Loss but he is walking around, possibly happy with the person he chose to be with, or walking around happy by himself. Or walking around miserable, but the thing is, I DON'T FEEL BETTER. There is no weight lifted off of me I just feel the void. The Void he took up, the Void that was once filled with possibilities.

It's crazy what feelings do to a person. I am the type of person that once I come to terms with the reality of a situation I'm good, but before I get to that place its like I'm walking around at my own funeral that is currently taken place in my heart. Yes I said it, a FUNERAL. That's what it feels like sometimes. People giving their condolences and leaving flowers. Coming to say their last words to an open casket that has me in it, ALIVE!!! You love this person, you will do anything for them, but somehow they just don't see it, I'm breathing but they have pronounced me DEAD. He pulls the plug even though the doctors say I have a fighting chance. It's like he has completely overlooked the fact that he is the reason that I'm fighting to stay alive (figure of speech). He was the one giving me the fighting chance and just bailed didn't even wait to hear or deal with all the endless possibilities to bring me back to life.

Yes its a little dramatic but being buried alive is scary.

Let's stop saying this response to men and women. I have caught myself saying the same thing to my friends when they are going through a rough time, and I realize now when you are going through that Loss you really don't wanna hear what that other person is missing out on. I know I'm a great woman, I know what I have to offer, and Lord willing I will be presented with the man who can handle the love I have to offer. I know that I can be intense sometimes but that's just me, I LOVE HARD! Its pure, and real, and yes you will definitely regret pulling the plug on me because I fight hard to breathe on my own. But until I can really look at this from the outside in, I will just be wearing Black.

Elevated Universe: The Pressures of Being 30

Elevated Universe: The Pressures of Being 30: "So Feb 21st was my 30th B-day, and if I didn't have enough to worry about such as not being where I thought I would be at 30. For example; ..."

Elevated Universe: The Pressures of Being 30

Elevated Universe: The Pressures of Being 30: "So Feb 21st was my 30th B-day, and if I didn't have enough to worry about such as not being where I thought I would be at 30. For example; ..."

The Pressures of Being 30

So Feb 21st was my 30th B-day, and if I didn't have enough to worry about such as not being where I thought I would be at 30. For example; Not having a relationship, not having children, a husband a career, a place of my own. All these things I have been thinking about since I finished school last March. Like as soon as my Bday approached it seems like there was a microscope on me to get certain aspects of my life lined up. Of course the focus wasn't on the things I thought were important to make happen; job, money, apt. But there was more a focus on when I was going to start having children. Why isn't there any consideration for what I may have been feeling at that time? No one stopped in their tracks like "Maybe Koya already is feeling some type of way maybe I shouldn't bring it up, maybe I should be sensitive and make sure my concerns come off like an actual concern instead of a ticking time bomb". No that would be too much like right. Its crazy like every where I turned someone was asking me these questions that came out more like accusations. "When are you gonna start making babies?" "When are you gonna find a man?" "You know that you are about to be 30, what are you waiting for?" All of these questions were being circulated by friends (who are not married but have children) or by family members who I thought would have wanted me to take the right path. It was all very confusing. I was raised and still believe in traditional families. I want the marriage and the kids in that order. My family also raised us to make sure we were educated and found a career that we love. SO Yes I am a bit of a late bloomer but for those of you who know me very well know that I am a late bloomer in all aspects of my life.

I didn't even know how to answer these questions. I don't have a man because the men that I had something with didn't want the same things that I wanted, no I didn't always know this when I started dating them, but that's just how it went down. The one person I thought was a good candidate let me down. So I have completely cleared my roster. The problem isn't me and my issues, GOD just hasn't revealed the man that he has prepared for me, and for good reason because I have so many things that I need to do for myself before I get into the type of relationship that will lead to a family. It started to become very frustrating because it felt like the people who always wanted me to do it the right way were now like just get on it, get a man you like and have a baby. I was so shocked I didn't even know how to respond anymore. Like everything I was taught to believe in didn't matter because I was 30. Is 30 really that old, it takes a sec to make a baby, Yes I am very worried about being a old first time mother. But I believe that if I hold my ground and work on me, my career, being independent that things will line up accordingly.

Then it was like because I don't already have children then I must not want any at all. Its amazing to me that everyone was so quick to be like well since you are too old to have kids you can just be a great Aunt when your brother or sister have children. WOW! I am already being branded an  "OLD MAID" at 30. See what people don't get is that women are having kids a lot older then they used to, I am not saying there cant be complications but I am very hopeful that when the time is right it will happen for me, I don't need to go out and chase the magic sperm before my eggs dry up...lol. I don't feel I need to settle and just make it happen with someone I "like". That is not OK to me. I have a lot of friends who have children who are no longer with the father of their kids, or have gotten married and it didn't work out. I don't want that, it may work for you but that is not the type of situation I want to be in. Do I want children? Absolutely!!! More than anything I want kids, Always have. But I have a choice, and my choice is to bring a baby into a healthy family environment. I told my mom and sis that my life wouldn't be complete without a family. I would be devastated if I didn't have at least one child. But I don't want to do it alone, and I cant assume that a man I'm dating will be there for me and a baby. There is no guarantee either way but I would like to try to do it the right way. There are so many things I have done, and currently doing that don't really line up to the things I know GOD would want me to do, and I am trying to get that right, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to just throw all my beliefs out the window because I'm 30.

LMAO...These are my priorities. Yes a husband and kids are on the list but not before I get all that in order.

Is it my fault that the men I chose to give my heart to ended up, deceiving me, or revealing they weren't who I thought they were, or breaking my heart. Maybe some of it is my fault, they might be who I am attracting but I give 100% to the person I choose to love and I eventually realize they are giving me 50% or less to me before I get out of the situation. So I am also working on what I am exuding to these men, and I am not dealing with the Bullshit I have in the past.

So does 30 make you DEAD? I know that my friends and family meant well, I know they are concerned for different reasons, but I don't need you to bring an issue to my attention when I wake up everyday like WTF this is not where I wanna be. And I feel like they should want more for me, but all they see is the clock. I have decided that I will not compromise my belief system, for a CLOCK.

I'm 30, I love where I know I'm headed and what's in store for me. :)

So I cant wait for your feedback it would be great to get some dialog going because I know I am not the only one who feels this way.

Thanks for chiming in!!!!!