If Its His Loss...Why Am I The One Wearing Black??

"Its His Loss"....You know this is a very common response from your friends, family after a break up, or when you dating someone and it doesn't work out, Or you feeling someone and it doesn't go the way you wanted, Or when they chose someone else over you. But what I have always felt about that response was, it doesn't make me feel any better...LOL. Its like when someone close to you dies and they say "they are in a better place"...But at that time you don't feel like that at all. So I want someone to really break that down to me in a different way. I want someone to respond differently and say something like "You are the shit, and he is a complete dick head for not seeing that"...LOL.

The reason I am addressing this is because I currently have been through a few situations and those were the responses I got from my very very close friends. I know it was out of love, I know they meant every word. But I wanted to say that shit doesn't make me feel better. I feel like I'm the one who is going through a loss, I feel like I'm in mourning, I feel like I lost a limb, I feel like I just got buried, I feel like I just loss the person who I thought I may have a future with. Yes I absolutely understand why people say that "Its their loss" cause they are missing out on the great person you are. Maybe we aren't the perfect fit, and maybe there is a whole list of reasons we shouldn't be together, but at that moment all you feel is the LOSS. All you feel is the VOID.

It's his Loss but he is walking around, possibly happy with the person he chose to be with, or walking around happy by himself. Or walking around miserable, but the thing is, I DON'T FEEL BETTER. There is no weight lifted off of me I just feel the void. The Void he took up, the Void that was once filled with possibilities.

It's crazy what feelings do to a person. I am the type of person that once I come to terms with the reality of a situation I'm good, but before I get to that place its like I'm walking around at my own funeral that is currently taken place in my heart. Yes I said it, a FUNERAL. That's what it feels like sometimes. People giving their condolences and leaving flowers. Coming to say their last words to an open casket that has me in it, ALIVE!!! You love this person, you will do anything for them, but somehow they just don't see it, I'm breathing but they have pronounced me DEAD. He pulls the plug even though the doctors say I have a fighting chance. It's like he has completely overlooked the fact that he is the reason that I'm fighting to stay alive (figure of speech). He was the one giving me the fighting chance and just bailed didn't even wait to hear or deal with all the endless possibilities to bring me back to life.

Yes its a little dramatic but being buried alive is scary.

Let's stop saying this response to men and women. I have caught myself saying the same thing to my friends when they are going through a rough time, and I realize now when you are going through that Loss you really don't wanna hear what that other person is missing out on. I know I'm a great woman, I know what I have to offer, and Lord willing I will be presented with the man who can handle the love I have to offer. I know that I can be intense sometimes but that's just me, I LOVE HARD! Its pure, and real, and yes you will definitely regret pulling the plug on me because I fight hard to breathe on my own. But until I can really look at this from the outside in, I will just be wearing Black.

Elevated Universe: The Pressures of Being 30

Elevated Universe: The Pressures of Being 30: "So Feb 21st was my 30th B-day, and if I didn't have enough to worry about such as not being where I thought I would be at 30. For example; ..."

Elevated Universe: The Pressures of Being 30

Elevated Universe: The Pressures of Being 30: "So Feb 21st was my 30th B-day, and if I didn't have enough to worry about such as not being where I thought I would be at 30. For example; ..."

The Pressures of Being 30

So Feb 21st was my 30th B-day, and if I didn't have enough to worry about such as not being where I thought I would be at 30. For example; Not having a relationship, not having children, a husband a career, a place of my own. All these things I have been thinking about since I finished school last March. Like as soon as my Bday approached it seems like there was a microscope on me to get certain aspects of my life lined up. Of course the focus wasn't on the things I thought were important to make happen; job, money, apt. But there was more a focus on when I was going to start having children. Why isn't there any consideration for what I may have been feeling at that time? No one stopped in their tracks like "Maybe Koya already is feeling some type of way maybe I shouldn't bring it up, maybe I should be sensitive and make sure my concerns come off like an actual concern instead of a ticking time bomb". No that would be too much like right. Its crazy like every where I turned someone was asking me these questions that came out more like accusations. "When are you gonna start making babies?" "When are you gonna find a man?" "You know that you are about to be 30, what are you waiting for?" All of these questions were being circulated by friends (who are not married but have children) or by family members who I thought would have wanted me to take the right path. It was all very confusing. I was raised and still believe in traditional families. I want the marriage and the kids in that order. My family also raised us to make sure we were educated and found a career that we love. SO Yes I am a bit of a late bloomer but for those of you who know me very well know that I am a late bloomer in all aspects of my life.

I didn't even know how to answer these questions. I don't have a man because the men that I had something with didn't want the same things that I wanted, no I didn't always know this when I started dating them, but that's just how it went down. The one person I thought was a good candidate let me down. So I have completely cleared my roster. The problem isn't me and my issues, GOD just hasn't revealed the man that he has prepared for me, and for good reason because I have so many things that I need to do for myself before I get into the type of relationship that will lead to a family. It started to become very frustrating because it felt like the people who always wanted me to do it the right way were now like just get on it, get a man you like and have a baby. I was so shocked I didn't even know how to respond anymore. Like everything I was taught to believe in didn't matter because I was 30. Is 30 really that old, it takes a sec to make a baby, Yes I am very worried about being a old first time mother. But I believe that if I hold my ground and work on me, my career, being independent that things will line up accordingly.

Then it was like because I don't already have children then I must not want any at all. Its amazing to me that everyone was so quick to be like well since you are too old to have kids you can just be a great Aunt when your brother or sister have children. WOW! I am already being branded an  "OLD MAID" at 30. See what people don't get is that women are having kids a lot older then they used to, I am not saying there cant be complications but I am very hopeful that when the time is right it will happen for me, I don't need to go out and chase the magic sperm before my eggs dry up...lol. I don't feel I need to settle and just make it happen with someone I "like". That is not OK to me. I have a lot of friends who have children who are no longer with the father of their kids, or have gotten married and it didn't work out. I don't want that, it may work for you but that is not the type of situation I want to be in. Do I want children? Absolutely!!! More than anything I want kids, Always have. But I have a choice, and my choice is to bring a baby into a healthy family environment. I told my mom and sis that my life wouldn't be complete without a family. I would be devastated if I didn't have at least one child. But I don't want to do it alone, and I cant assume that a man I'm dating will be there for me and a baby. There is no guarantee either way but I would like to try to do it the right way. There are so many things I have done, and currently doing that don't really line up to the things I know GOD would want me to do, and I am trying to get that right, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to just throw all my beliefs out the window because I'm 30.

LMAO...These are my priorities. Yes a husband and kids are on the list but not before I get all that in order.

Is it my fault that the men I chose to give my heart to ended up, deceiving me, or revealing they weren't who I thought they were, or breaking my heart. Maybe some of it is my fault, they might be who I am attracting but I give 100% to the person I choose to love and I eventually realize they are giving me 50% or less to me before I get out of the situation. So I am also working on what I am exuding to these men, and I am not dealing with the Bullshit I have in the past.

So does 30 make you DEAD? I know that my friends and family meant well, I know they are concerned for different reasons, but I don't need you to bring an issue to my attention when I wake up everyday like WTF this is not where I wanna be. And I feel like they should want more for me, but all they see is the clock. I have decided that I will not compromise my belief system, for a CLOCK.

I'm 30, I love where I know I'm headed and what's in store for me. :)

So I cant wait for your feedback it would be great to get some dialog going because I know I am not the only one who feels this way.

Thanks for chiming in!!!!!

Sarcasm is the Brick Wall Around My Heart...

So I am writing this entry because yesterday I went on a tangent. Some people may be upset but anyone who knows me knows I really hate how people blast their relationships on FB. Its just crazy. But I also realize some people use it for venting while others just want their presence known. I guess do you, but that doesn't change how I feel about the whole issue.

But any who, that's neither here or there right now I decided I will open up a little about myself be a little vulnerable. Since I was so harsh yesterday and maybe making some people feel like I was putting them on blast(wasn't really my intention, I was just saying how I FELT)....I really wanna talk about how I am realizing how sarcastic I have become when I am dating guys, or I have feelings for guys.

You know years ago, in High School I considered myself to be quite sensitive, and poetic and very emotional. You know I was the girl that would suffer silently, like walking around with heartache and laughing it off, never letting anyone know how upset I was. I was in love with the same guy all the way through High School and didn't reveal anything until after 10th Grade. I used to write poems, and letters, and draw pictures (yeah I know its pathetic). But that was how I used to express myself. I have always been one of those people that found it easier to bare my soul to someone through my writing. Now back then I'm sure that was too much for a teenage boy to deal with. Like it kinda makes me laugh that I thought he would be able to handle it, I mean y'all don't understand I used to really just open my heart and write until I couldn't anymore. But the other thing is, I never reacted for long, once I got a response (which was never clear) I kinda just went back to normal, laughing and joking like always with him, but never understood why I still had those feelings. I believe that the reason the feelings never went away are because I just didn't deal, if he told me he didn't want to ruin the friendship or something along those lines then I just was like "OK" and because I didn't want him to be uncomfortable I just went back to being the "friend" to him. Listening to all his stories about his girlfriends, giving him advice, trying to be there for him all the while I wasn't dealing with me, I never called him out to say I feel like you always leave me in limbo. So I started to make more jokes, and become more sarcastic and realized that was the easiest way to deal with heartache. I mean it was a great distraction.

After high school ended, eventually my feelings for him faded. But the same way I dealt with him, I started to do that with everyone I was interested in. It was just easier that way. So the next person I started talking to was a friend first. I enjoyed my time with him, I enjoyed our conversations. It was different cause I was in college but I still felt a little behind because I didn't really date at all in high school so I felt like I was still trapped in that mindset. I didn't really know how to be vulnerable and all girly and shit that wasn't my steelo. SO I tried the cute shit every once in a while but that didn't last long because the sarcasm would just sneak up and take over. Now I realize that could confuse a guy because one minute I'm mushy and feeling you and the next I'm going on you and joking around. That all came to a halt when my feelings for him were revealed by one of my friends. I was not planning on telling him how I felt, I was still learning to deal with my feelings, I was still trying to figure out what kind of girl I was. I had made a vow to not jump out there with my feelings for a guy after all the emotional things I went through with my high school crush. SO I was like , Imma be hardcore, and just wait until he says something. I will not be the first to speak on it. And I did think eventually he would let me know he had feelings for me, but I never got to see that happen because other people thought it was time to just jump out there for me. I had NEVER felt sooooo embarrassed and pissed in my life at that point. You know its almost like someone stealing your diary and reading the pages out loud. That's how I felt, and I didn't even get to reveal it to him by myself. He is definitely the type of person who makes you feel safe so I knew that if I wanted him to know how I was feeling that he wouldn't make me feel bad about it. SO the outcome was OK, he felt how I felt but then it was like where do we go from here and basically it was no where, so once again I had to harden up, and start using that sarcasm. I felt safe with him and let down all at the same time. Things were strange after that but eventually we became close friends, still had feelings for each other, dated of sorts off and on for a few years. But eventually my feelings grew for him, and I decided I wanted to take a leap and really tell him I loved him. That was hard because I had to turn off that sarcastic Koya. And everyone who knows me knows I do Sarcastic Koya very very well...lol, I was sooooo scared to tell him my feelings, so I wrote poems, and letters not quite the same as I did in high school, it was a lot less. But I really hadn't felt this way before and had to just man up about it. SO there I went again, baring my soul to someone who I really had become close to and again I was left in limbo. Found out years later that he did feel the same way then but he just wasn't ready, But Unfortunately for me that was too late. I had already hardened up again. I was so scared to talk to guys because I just couldn't deal with the rejection.

I mean I talked to a few guys, even had strong feelings for them, but they damn near had to drag it out of me, I just hadn't learned the art of speaking on my feelings throughout the relationship, I would just let it build up and then finally say something. I was being told by this one guy who I am very good friends with now that I was acting so scared, but I was clearly fighting off feelings for him, and he would try to be sweet, and try to fly me to come see him, I just couldn't take that leap. My heart was still with someone else, but I wasn't gonna do anything about it and then I had all these new feelings for this guy who was actually pursuing me and we weren't even in the same state. I was just too damn scared of being hurt. But all the while the only thing protecting me was my smart ass mouth, my wit and SARCASM... I mean I was getting good at it, almost too good, I mean eventually after I left school and came home I started opening up more to him but I wasn't ready I hadn't closed the other chapter that I was still reading. So I just stopped talking about my feelings all together. Every time someone I was dating hurt me emotionally, I didn't cry I just became mean, or just brushed it off. It was working for me at the time. Then I would get mad because they would be like, I didn't know you felt that way, I didn't know you were mad. BLAH BLAH BLAH. That's when I realized it wasn't just me and my sarcasm it was also the fact that men don't take accountability their actions. If you don;t bring it to their attention then they probably won't address it. So I continued for years to do that, Sarcasm was like my shadow it was taking over everything I did, said, felt, it was like my sidekick but eventually turned to be more, like Koya and Sarcasm became one unit. I completely stopped spilling my guts, and emotions. I just didn't speak on my real feelings anymore.

That began a downward spiral because then my relationships became more casual than I wanted them to be. I began just kicking it with the person I had feelings for, but they never really knew how I felt. I mean I consider myself to be low maintenance and I kept coming across men that wanted to damn much from me, emotionally. Like they wanted me to to call all the time, and tell them how I felt about them and boost their damn egos.... I'm just not gonna do that. I used to and that got me NO WHERE. SO I stopped. but in the end when I felt like I needed to tell them where I stood they would be like "well u never show this, and u never do that" Now on a side note these niggas weren't worth it anyway. They needed a female that was gonna make them feel some type of way and me and Sarcasm weren't that type of chick. LOL....

So in the most recent years, I will say the last  3 years I decided to be more open, because I had been hurt by guys, and always overlooked, and just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. So the past 3 years I started talking to an old friend someone I once had strong feelings for a few years ago and it was just too much going on so we stopped talking. But when he reappeared I decided I was gonna try to be different, more attentive have more open communication and all that. It worked for a while but he just wasn't the right one, but it was good for me because I learned to speak up more often, and still make him feel good, and I learned to except compliments and all that. But there was just way to much drama with him so he had to go. SO I have been doing some soul searching searching since then. I stopped dating him last summer and as soon as I did I started to realize I had all these unresolved feelings, that I wasn't dealing with involving a special guy. One I had completely decided that he would have the total Sarcastic Koya because I just wasn't ready to reveal anything else. But I decided that maybe it was time to let my guard down. I am getting older. I will be 30 in February and I still have these strong, unresolved feelings for a guy who is very special to me, and probably always will be. But I knew that was gonna be the hardest thing for me to do. To reveal that I have these feelings after I have been talking to him about the guys I been dating and him doing the same, how in the world was I supposed to switch up.

Side note: I am sitting here watching "Living Single" and I realized that I am Max. She is being told by Kyle on this episode that he wishes she would show that she enjoys his company more, and that he wishes she would express herself without the sarcasm, and not send him on dates with other women. 

That's me, I have had feelings for someone, and sat and listen to them talk about girls, and I talk about guys while all the while all I really wanted was him, and I don't want to know about the girls you are dating because they aren't me. UGH! like why does life have to be so complicated. Why cant it be like in elementary school where you pass the "Do you like me" "Yes, No, Maybe" note. (Even though "Maybe" will keep you in Limbo) But sometimes you have that person in your life that you just have to jump out there and do it....But oh that Sarcasm likes to hold me back and I have to push myself even more. I am tying very hard to tap into the girl I was in high school minus the sarcasm. Because she was pure, her emotions were real, and raw, and untainted and she was fearless. SO if you are like me and you really feel like you are just hiding behind your humor and your fear then maybe its time for you to write a letter, write a poem, sing a song, write a blog...lol.... I realized what I had to do was read the pages of my journal out loud to the person it was meant for.

I think Sarcastic Koya may be laid to rest...well at least when it comes to dating..lol...

Having Your Relationship on Blast on Social Networks

Here is why I'm writing this blog. I had a mini tangent on FB after trying to write on someones wall. And I just got itrritated.

I really hate how people have to make themselves known on peoples pages...lol. that is one of my biggest pet peeves.. If its your mans page then u shouldn't have to communicate with him on FB. send him a text or something. Cause I don't wanna read, what u was thinking about him, and what y'all did last night, and BLAH BLAH BLAH... people r so wack. u don't need to do alllllll that just to stamp your territory! LAME!!!!!

So I was on FB minding my own business when I go to say hello, or post a positive comment on a friends wall when I get sidetracked into reading updates from his current girlfriend. Look I really don't wanna know why you couldn't sleep last night because you were thinking of your man, or that you forgot to tell him something while you were on the phone last night. Or Just making it clear that this person is your man and actually saying it on his page. (SD-if he is your boyfriend do you really need to tell him thats who he is on HIS PAGE LOL). Or that you wanna make it clear that y'all live in the same house and you ask your man to come back to bed when he is just downstairs, Or that you going on your man while he is in the other room, and he going on you at the same time..LOL I feel like people just don't keep anything sacred anymore. Its nothing wrong with once in a while saying something sweet about your boo on your status, but writing entire paragraphs on his page to tell him how much you love him, or  how he is a great man better than all the past BF and then the next week you frying this guy talking about how he ain't shit, and he needs to come and get his shit out of your house..LMAO...Its comical.

First if you haven't noticed a lot of guys don't like their relationship all on blast anyway, that's just how men are. I have a lot of male friends that don't wanna speak about their relationships on FB, not because they are out here doing shady things but mostly cause its no ones business. For some reason women feel the need to let others know about the relationship she is having. I believe its insecurity, I don't think its just because you felt like saying something on his wall you wanted to make sure every word that you typed really said, "this is my man, just in case you didn't know". Its just weak, I know you got his number, you might have his work number, his email, his Skype, his Oovoo or you in the same damn room with him... JOINT Say it to his face..LMAO why the hell do we need to know what you are thinking about your man, I dont care. You dedicating your statuses to these men but are they doing the same for you...NOOOOOO they talking about work, and where they ate last night, and the fat J they just rolled, and the hangover they got, and that their girl is getting on their nerves, or how they stayed up all night play 2k11...HA! You are not getting the broadcast you are craving sorry... sooo all that peeing all over his FB page doesn't fucking matter cause he is just irritated and trying to figure out why you are so damn extra. You know how I know...Cause I have mostly male friends and guess what...They are not feeling your extra ass, and maybe you would get a shot out on their page if you chill the fuck out.

I don't like being interrupted by your relationship when Im trynna say something funny on my friend's pages, or go on them about that silly ass pic they got up. YOU ARE IN THE WAY. LOL. And now I have to read what you wrote but its funny, and I'm curious and well its just our nature to read shit that is in front of us..LOL...

Then there is that couple that makes us allllllll mad. You know them, they breakup on FB, they argue on FB, they write notes about each other talking about how pissed they are, and how they want them to leave. All the while these silly asses are in the same damn room as each other. I am shocked how many couples I come across on FB that do this to each other, and get us all wrapped in their shit cause its kinda like watching an accident on the highway. You driving by slow as hell cause you really wanna see what happened...LOL But its holding you up from where you need to be. Same thing as FB. Like maybe its immaturity. I write when I am mad about something but y'all NEVER EVER know who I am talking about, and sometimes you don't have a clue what I am talking about, WHY? because its none of your damn business. If I wanted you to know, and I consider you close enough to me to be all up in my business then guess what, Im gonna call you directly, or email you, or text you to fill you in on my shit.

Look people Im not saying you cant give your boo some love on FB, but some things are just extra. Every time I write something on your mans page you don't need to write, right after me.. PRESSED...lol...Like are you really trying to make your presence known on FB...lol

Don't make a fool of yourself, Don't write all that shit on your status and then get mad when he break up with your dumb ass...LOL... or don't be writing love letters on his page and then go on him cause you caught him doing some dumb shit. HE doesn't look dumb, YOU DO!

If I haven't seen you in 5-10 years and when we finally have a conversation but don't have anything to talk about because I already know how your kids are, how your relationship has been going, I mean we don't even need to catch up then that means YOU SAY TOO MUCH ON FB!

Do you think if you write all that shit on your wall that your man is gonna fuck up less than he already is. Do you think that the thirsty bitches out here are gonna stop trying to fuck you man cause you put on his page last night that you love him and that he is the best ever. UGH NO! The girls who really mess with your man are gonna use that as fuel for their conversation, they are gonna use it as a sarcastic joke to get your man to laugh...RIGHT into her arms..LMAO

No but really, Lets keep your relationship information to a minimum, we don't need to know all the details, Keep that shit between you and your man, keep it special. Don't be so eager to let us into yalls world. GROW THE FUCK UP!

Thanks!